Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
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Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House