Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
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The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”