Whoa 😂
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ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
“No way.” -Jose
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
what?
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Me, reading some of your tweets
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas