Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
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boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Catercrombie & Fish
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.