Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
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Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
😂🤣😂🤣
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?