Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
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Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*