sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
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Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.