being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
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Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”