May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
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The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
When libraries troll their patrons.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard