Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
You Might Also Like
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do