Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
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My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
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Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
My inexpensive home security system…
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”