“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
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[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Weirdly Wednesday.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer