Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
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Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started