BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
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“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.