Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
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serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Get off my horse you stupid moon
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her