When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
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Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed