Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
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Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
I would like even faster food.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?