Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
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i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel