Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
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Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
“i miss shittin on people”
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
boat question
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!