If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
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billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this