[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
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If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick