My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
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Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.