Oh hi lol
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I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Strange
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!