When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
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I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.