i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
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Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
My blood type is b hungry.
The booster protects against what, now?
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
accurate
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?