[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
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“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
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