Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
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Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
I feel seen.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Geez man, take it easy.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face