Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
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My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Going into Monday like
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
They’re stuck in your pants?
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth