When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
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Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Do one person every day that scares you.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.