Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
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My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.