Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
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I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
why am I working on Labor Day
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.