“you recording!?”
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This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
I am yelling
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real