When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
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Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Why is this me 😫
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
the three genders
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.