[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
You Might Also Like
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
ibopfufen
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
New mindset, who dis?