Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
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Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.