her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
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She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Husband: Let鈥檚 role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you鈥檙e our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
If you think there鈥檚 nothing better than sex, you鈥檝e never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Can鈥檛, I鈥檓 in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I鈥檓 hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that鈥檚 good, right?
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
These are too funny not to post 馃槀
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!