All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
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Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
May your day taste like creamy soup.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened