[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
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You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.