*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”