What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
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I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.