My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
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Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
look at me when i’m typing to you
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
can’t talk my ride’s here
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.