My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
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I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related