what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
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Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Not messing around
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.