ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
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Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
#catsoftwitter
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.