Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
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Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
buys donuts instead
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat