What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
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My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.