Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
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[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again