Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
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My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
wish me luck lads
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these