New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
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garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.