Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
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Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Well, this explains it:
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.